


Lost And Found

by messedup



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Grieving, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Character Death, Self Harm, mental health struggles, nothing graphic but please be careful!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:14:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25615702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/messedup/pseuds/messedup
Summary: It´s the first anniversary of Paul´s death that Ben is in a relationship again and he struggles with the guilt of it.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, past Ben Mitchell/Paul Coker - Relationship
Comments: 15
Kudos: 64





	Lost And Found

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic based on an anon prompt! Thank you so much, I really enjoyed writing this <3
> 
> This fic may have gotten a bit out of control 😳 it´s so much longer than what I usually write and almost all of it was written on my phone 😳 also since I am once again unable to concentrate on reading anything of this length it is pretty much unedited, so I hope you can look past any mistakes and enjoy it anyway! Please be aware of the tags and skip this fic if anything might affect you!
> 
> (Also Callum is still working at the funeral parlor because I said so)

It was a day like any other. The usual Tuesday morning, waking up next to each other, Ben still fast asleep as Callum pressed a kiss to his forehead when he got up to make coffee. He always let him have 10 more minutes while he made breakfast, knowing that his boyfriend was contrary to himself very much not a morning person.

At the same time, it was nothing at all like their normal days.

Normally, Ben would always wake up grumpy, protesting that it was way too early and that he needed at least one more hour until Callum gently coaxed him awake with small kisses and the promise of his favourite breakfast.

Today, however, something was different. Ben didn't complain. Didn't say anything at all. He just pulled his blanket further around himself, burying his face in his pillows as he let out a long breath.

When he finally did emerge from their room over twenty minutes later than usual he slumped down at the table, staring down at the food in front of him.

"If you want to come to work on time I'm afraid you're gonna have to hurry up a bit more, babe, you overslept.", Callum said as he walked out of the bathroom, pressing another kiss to Ben's head as he sat down beside him.

"Ben?", Callum asked, touching his wrist to get his attention. "You alright?"

Snapping out of his stare, Ben shook his head once to bring himself back to the present.

"Uh, yeah, sure.", he said, trying to sound normal.

Callum wasn't convinced that easily though. He could plainly see the cloud hanging over his head.

He was about to press him on his obviously strange mood when his phone pinged with a notification.

Jay.

The delay of their morning routine meant that he was running late and of course it was his luck that Jay seemed to be on time the one time he himself wasn't.

_You better not let Ben convince you to come in late again, we've got a funeral this morning, remember?_

Callum knew that even if he got Ben to open up it wouldn't be something he could do over breakfast. Especially not if he already needed to hurry as it was. He hated leaving like this but he would have to talk to him about whatever was going on later.

"I'm sorry, I gotta go. Jay is gonna kill me if I'm not there in 5. Both of us, probably."

His words went by unnoticed though as Ben was back to staring into space.

\---

"First you're running late and then you can't stop staring at your phone all morning.", Jay said some hours later, leaning forward on his desk.

It made Callum look up from the text he'd had sent a few minutes ago and had been staring at since, waiting for an answer.

"What´s up with you today?"

Jay mustered him as if the answer was gonna magically appear on his forehead if he only looked close enough.

"Nothing.", Callum tried to brush it off but he was still holding onto his phone and he couldn't bring himself to put it away, instead letting his head fall onto his other hand.

"Yeah, sure mate. C'mon, spill."

Callum let out a defeated sigh.

"It's just -", he deliberated whether he should talk to Jay about this but him and Ben were close, family, and they trusted each other possibly more than anyone else in their lives. "It's Ben. He was all quiet this morning. Something was clearly up, not that he would tell me about it."

Looking down at his phone once more Callum read the message again.

_I love you. I'm here if you need me_

Delivered. Still unread.

He sighed.

"Has anything happened?"

"Not that I know of. I mean, he already woke up seeming down. And he spaced out a lot this morning. Probably just a bad day but I wish he wouldn't push me away you know. I wish he'd let me be there for him."

Jay hummed in acknowledgment. After all, he knew exactly what Callum was talking about. Ben had never been one to open up easily. Jay appeared to think about his words for a moment before his expression suddenly changed as he realized something.

"Wait- what day is it?", he asked.

"Uhh, Tuesday? What's that got to do with anything?" His confusion was clearly visible in the frown that appeared on his face.

"No - what date?", Jay questioned again impatiently, already pulling his own phone out of his pocket to check for himself.

When he saw the digits light up he let out a sigh. "Right, that explains it."

He pinched the bridge of his nose. Callum was only all the more confused.

"What? Why?"

"It's the anniversary. Paul's death."

Callum's heart sunk. _Shit._

His head was quickly filling with questions he had no answer to. _How the hell did he not know? Where was Ben now?_ He was pretty sure that he wouldn't be at work. And much more importantly _How was he? What had he done to distract himself from the pain? Had he drunken himself into oblivion already?_ Probably. _Had he gotten himself into trouble?_ Even if not, it was surely only a matter of time.

Words got caught in his throat as he tried to swallow around the lump in his throat.

The conflict and worry that were battling in his mind must have been obvious because Jay was looking at him in consideration.

"Go on then.", he said and Callum had to take a moment to register his words and another to look up at him in confusion.

"Go. Find him.", Jay explained. "It's just some paperwork left for today, I guess I can deal with that on my own. And besides, this is more important. He needs you."

Callum didn't need to be told twice. He was up and out of the door in a second. If he had been sure where to go he would have sprinted across the square but since he didn't he paused for a moment outside considering where Ben would most likely be.

Callum had already pretty much ruled out that he was at work. Maybe he had just gone straight back to bed but considering Callum sometimes came back there during his lunch break he didn't think Ben would have stayed there. Besides, despite the time of day, it wouldn't be unusual for Ben to start drinking already to drown out his thoughts.

The Vic? Maybe, but there were too many familiar faces, including Mick who could tell Callum if Ben downed drink after drink.

He didn't think the Albert was open this time of day - although... Kathy would surely have the keys lying around somewhere making it easy for Ben to get to them.

It was a place away from prying eyes filled with booze. Probably his best chance.

Callum turned around and walked towards the bar.

The door was open.

As he walked in his eyes immediately fell on Ben sitting on one of the bar stools over a glass of whiskey. He swirled its content around, then downed it in one gulp.

Callum let out a sigh.

Ben was still unaware of his presence. He leaned forward on the bar, roughly wiping a tear from his cheek.

Careful not to startle him too much, Callum slowly walked towards him. Still, he got close before Ben realized he was there and he jumped a little at the unexpected movement next to him.

When he looked up at him, Callum's heart squeezed painfully in his chest.

Ben's eyes were red from crying. He didn't bother wiping the tears away, it wasn't like he could hide his emotions anyway.

He was hunched in on himself, his shoulders sagged yet somehow still tense at the same time. He looked like he hadn't slept at all.

For a brief moment Callum wondered if maybe he really hadn't while he himself had dozed off as soon as his head had hit the pillow and slept contently all through the night. Another wave of guilt rushed over him before he could remind himself that this wasn't about him.

Pulling out another chair, Callum took place next to him.

"Jay told me what day it is. I'm sorry, I should have known."

Ben shook his head, his brows furrowing.

"Don't be stupid. I don't think I've ever even told you the date. So how were you supposed to know?", he questioned. His voice was strained.

"This is important though. I should have-"

He stopped himself, once again reminding himself not to make this about anything other than Ben. Paul.

"Tell me about him.", he said instead.

"You don't have to do that.", Ben whispered as he closed his eyes, shook his head.

Reaching out, Callum took hold of his hand resting on the counter. He linked their fingers, waiting patiently until Ben looked up to him again.

"I'm not _doing_ anything. I wanna know."

For a long moment Ben only stared back at him, his eyes searching for the truth. Finally he gave in. His free hand was playing with the whiskey bottle in front of him, turning it around, then picking at the label as he considered his words.

"He was one of the kindest guys I have ever met. He was funny. Always managed to make me laugh no matter what. Just- he was _good_ you know?"

Another tear ran down Ben's cheek. At the same time he let out a laugh.

"Guess I do have a type.", Ben said looking at Callum. The smile turned sad as quickly as it had come though as conflicting emotions ran over his face.

Suddenly the sound of a phone vibrating broke through their conversation, making Ben pull it out from his pocket to check his messages.

New tears formed in his eyes when he read the text and he swallowed heavily.

Callum squeezed his hand until Ben slid his phone over the counter towards him, silently encouraging him to read the message.

_Remember the good moments, don't dwell on the sad ones. He would be so proud of you for how far you've come and glad you found happiness again. I'm here if you're up for a call later._

Pam.

"She knows you pretty well huh?", Callum whispered as he read through the message, giving Ben a small smile, feeling like he didn't manage to keep the sadness from it however.

"Yeah, she does."

Reaching out to link their fingers once more Callum lifted both of their hands to press a kiss to his knuckles.

"You know you can talk to me about everything yeah? Please don't try to deal with everything on your own because you feel you have to hide things from me. You can talk to me about him whenever you need."

"It's not exactly what you do though is it? Talk to your boyfriend about how much you miss your ex? Crying over loosing him?"

Callum bit his lip, then huffed out a little laugh.

"Not like I've done before you mean?"

They had talked about Chris. Late at night, whispered words between them, when the moon barely lit the room enough to make the tears glisten in the pale light.

Sometimes they both had those days when something brought back the memories. It had been one of those days a few weeks into their relationship and Callum couldn't hide the wave of emotions that hit him quick enough for Ben not to notice. When Callum hesitantly explained, he had been scared of the reaction his words would bring. But Ben had been understanding, asking him if he wanted to talk about Chris later that night and reassuring him that it was okay to tell him about him when Callum was unsure if his offer was genuine.

Moments of laughter, nervous tingles in his stomach, feelings he had never felt before then filled his mind as he let himself think back. Callum had never talked about any of them aloud but there, in the comfort of his bed, hidden from the world by the darkness and only Ben there next to him, the wall he had built around those memories slowly came tumbling down.

His voice had been shaky, even more so when tears and laughter mixed in between words as pain mixed with happy memories.

Ben listened. He smiled when Callum talked about the annoying habits Chris had, which he however still missed as soon as he was back in Walford. He wiped away Callum's tears when he spoke about the regret that was eating away at him when he realized he could never tell Chris how he had really felt.

"I told you, you can talk to me about anything and I meant that. I wanna know when you're upset and I wanna be there for you in whatever way I can." Callum stood and took a step towards him. "Let me be there for you. Please."

Ben looked down and Callum could tell he was trying to break through his own walls. He trusted him, Callum knew he did. But talking honestly about his feelings had always been a struggle for him.

"I just - sometimes it just feels like betrayal. You know, the fact that I've moved on.", Ben swallowed heavily, then shook his head frowning. "That sounds stupid. Forget I said anything."

He stood quickly, turning to walk away but Callum's hand on his arm stopped him before he could go far.

"It's not stupid." Callum looked him in the eyes, trying to convey how serious he was. "Its how you feel. And feelings are never stupid."

The silence that followed stretched out as Ben searched his eyes. His jaw was clenched tightly as he considered his next move.

Finally he let Callum pull him back towards him gently.

"You've got nothing to feel bad about. It's okay to move on." He paused. "You know I'm not just saying that because you're with me."

Callum took the phone Ben had all but forgotten and left lying on the bar, holding it out to emphasize his next words.

"Paul wouldn't blame you, would he?"

Ben's head dropped once again to stare at where his fingernails were boring into his palm, leaving marks behind. Callum brushed a finger over his to urge him to stop.

"Don´t you think he´d want you to be happy?"

"Yeah. That´s the thing though, isn´t it? That´s what he was like. He always wanted the best for everyone. He was the one who should have lived.”

The last sentence only came out as a tear-strained whisper, almost inaudible if Callum´s focus hadn't been solely on him.

“Don´t.”, he spoke up, his words coming out a little harshly. “Don´t say that. Not like that - not like you didn´t.”

He didn´t get a reply, Ben only shaking his head as if he didn´t believe his words. Placing his hand under Ben´s chin, Callum made him look him in the eye before he spoke again.

“It wasn´t your fault, alright? It was their´s.”, Callum said with conviction. He knew Ben wouldn´t believe it that easily but he had to try. “You deserve to keep living your life, to move on. You deserve to be happy.”

Biting his lip, Ben blinked a few times, trying to keep his emotions at bay but failing soon when new tears fell down his cheek.

Callum pulled him against his chest just as his resolve vanished and he broke down. Sobs shook his body but Callum only held on tighter. He waited patiently for him to let it all out, arm around his shoulders so Ben could hide his face against his neck and his fingers stroking through the hair at the back of his neck, knowing the feeling was comforting to him.

It was a long time before the tears started to subside and Callum feared that it was only out of exhaustion or because there were simply no tears left and not because he actually felt any better. His shoulders had relaxed though and when he pulled back enough to look at Callum something of the weight seemed to have lifted.

Callum gave him a sad smile, bringing their foreheads together. 

"You wanna go home?", he whispered.

Ben nodded. 

"Yeah. Yeah, you go ahead. I'm just gonna call Pam."

Callum mustered him for a moment.

“You´re up for that? I´m sure she´d understand if you´re not.” He couldn´t help but worry still.

“Yeah, I´m sure. We always talk this day and it helps, you know? She gets it more than anyone.”

“Okay. I´ll give you some space then.”, Callum agreed. "Promise me one thing though? That you're not gonna drink anymore?"

Ben held up his half-empty glass, tipping it slightly as if to say _just this_. Before he could drink though, Callum took it from his hand, downing the rest of the whiskey himself.

The way his face scrunched up in disgust at the taste and burning of the alcohol - especially this early in the day - made Ben chuckle but the look Callum gave him made him shut up and hold up his hands in defense.

"Alright, alright. I promise.", Ben gave in.

Callum was about to leave but stepped up closer to Ben once more. Cupping his cheeks he wiped the remnants of the tear streaks away.

"I love you so much.", he whispered.

Ben swallowed heavily but a small smile appeared on his face nonetheless.

"I love you too."

Callum pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"You know where I am if you need me."

Ben nodded, his smile widening. 

He knew Callum was gonna rush home to get a start on making his favourite dinner, laying out their comfiest clothes and a blanket to cuddle up on the sofa together as soon as Ben got back, ready to talk some more or just get lost in their go-to film for difficult days.

And he knew Callum was always just a call away.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! <3 As always I would love to hear what you thought!
> 
> tumblr @stillamess22


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